我每一次都会说‘我知道’，但其实，我都不懂。
每一次都是你忍不住对我说了后，我才知道。

你对我的好，我想，也会有期限吧。

在我眼里，你是个每个女生都想拥有的另一半。
你的体贴，你的温柔，你的细心，你的保护，
你的忠心，你的诚恳，你的努力，你的善良，
你的爱心，你的风趣，你的好，你的一切一切。

我很清楚的明白自己陪不上你。
我也相信自己不可能再遇见另一个像你那么好的男生。
你是个好男人，一个爸爸妈妈都会喜欢的好男生。

我是个傻瓜，一个很自私的大笨蛋。
老是要你做这个做那个。
但，却知道自己没资格去要求那么多。

你的那番话，让我知道是自己不能没有你。
以为自己对你的爱淡化了，但其实心里还爱着你，还很在乎你。

我对你做的事，每一件不好的事，都是‘对不起’挽回不了的。
心里很清楚，有些事一旦做了或发生了，一万个对不起也没用。

但，还是。。。对不起

我想，问题的确出在我这里。
我不是个好女生，更不是个好女友。
我希望你不要再因为我而活的不开心。
不要因为处处都在为我照想而没自由。
我希望你多为自己照想。

在你对我说那番话前，想对你说：
不用去担心我爸妈，你想当老师就去当。
我不想以后天天看见你不开心的去上班。
我也不想你以后后悔没去追求自己的梦想。
人人都会有自己想完成的事，你也不例外。
人只活一次，要活得开心，活得没有遗憾。
不用担心以后没钱，或者怕不能给我过好日子。
以后我也会做工，也会有收入。
到时我也可以帮忙家里的花费。
还有，我不想成为一个爱慕虚荣的女人。

开心的人是最富有的。

If you don’t treat your guy right,
there are other girls out there who will treat him right.
我知道是你对我的爱与忠心，所以你才没有接受其他女生的好。

谢谢你。
xoxo

Yes, I agree. I should go fuck myself.

I see the effort I put into making myself a better person, but you didn’t.

I guess I’m not putting in enough effort, that’s why you can’t see/feel any changes.

& those same words never fail to hurt so badly that made me have suicidal thoughts, which I know was extremely dumb and foolish. Nothing’s changed.

I really wonder why you started to ask me to change only recently. Have I been a sucky girlfriend for such a long time that you can’t take it anymore? Honestly, you never blew your top at me like how you did recently. I hit your limits already, didn’t I?

this time, you decide to just use ‘fuck’ on me. that’s one word you never used it seriously on me. well, i accept it, cos i know i deserve it.

am i making you miserable? i think i am.

should i let you go? maybe you would be happier without me?

you told me no matter how fierce you are at me, you still love me. that’s part of what keeping me from letting you go, other than me still loving you.

deep down, i don’t want to let you go. i rather you are the one who left me.

at least i know i deserve that, and that you know that you would be better off without me.

- – - – -

i know i suck as a girlfriend. i don’t deserve you. maybe you should just dump me easily like how your friends dump their girls when they are not treating them well. you don’t deserve to be with the biggest sucker in the universe. you deserve much better.

yes. i should go fuck myself. & i should always be alone. i don’t know how to love someone, i don’t deserve to be loved.

- – - – -

Get Well Soon. You’re Missed.

- – - – -

P.S. There are things I want you to change too. But I don’t think you should. I love how you are 5 years ago, I still love how you are now.

We had fights rather frequently these days. Is that bad?

We always say things that hurt each other, done stupid things to hurt each other, then I would cry my eyes out, and we will be okay again after a while. It’s like a cycle that is bringing us back to where we started.

Is it really me? Am I the one causing this cycle?

You are a really great boyfriend who places me before anything and anyone, even yourself. But, you are expecting me to be placing you before anything and anyone? I’m sure you are one of the important people in my life.

Honestly, I think I’m some social animal that need company of friends. I don’t want to become someone who only sticks around her boyfriend, living in a world that only has her boyfriend, and everyone else are just invisible. I’m sorry if all these hurts. I know you could do just fine without your friends, maybe all, if not majority of them. I know you always put me before any of your friends, everything you do, you do it for nobody but me. I’m really touched by that, and I know how much I don’t deserve you.

You are right. Nothing’s changed. I didn’t change even after our huge quarrel days ago. I feel that I’m trying real hard to change for the better. But, my needs are still the same. I really need time to make those changes.

Sometimes I really hate myself. For what?

For making you feel bad. For not treating you right. For not being someone who you expected me to be. For not doing what you hope I would do. For bringing you disappointment after disappointment. For loving you. Because I love you, I feel damn sucky whenever you are disappointed with me, yet I’m always not changing and achieving your expectations.

Love is all about giving and receiving?

Love is about making sacrifices, and expecting the other party to do the same?

Love is about being equal?

Love is about doing things for the other person and not asking for anything in return?

I don’t know what’s love anymore.

Tell me please, are you happy with me? Or you realized I’m not longer the girl you are in love with years back when we just got together?

You made me realized that I suck. My self-esteem and confidence is no longer as high as before. I hate myself now. I SUCK.

This year, 2011, you had one new resolution. To study for a Degree program this year.

A very sudden decision. Honestly, I am totally not prepared for it.

I did try to get myself prepared, but I didn’t know it came so soon, so much earlier than I thought it would be. ):

I know you are serious about this. It’s for your career, for me, and for our future. I know I shouldn’t be throwing any temper or fuss over it. Cos’ it’s something to be happy about. Even though I am trying my best to help you achieve a place in a university, deep down inside I wish you could have had a place in a local uni instead.

The thought of not having you by my side for at least 5 months straight really make my heart aches, and I had to fight back those tears. You didn’t notice this, did you? But I know you can’t bear as well, but you just had to do this.

I had been pissing you off so much more often, and more easily these few days. I blamed it on you. Yes, inside me, I was thinking why is your temper getting back to the state that it once were. The state that you get pissed off at me over small little things. Well, I know it’s very selfish of my to blame it on you. I know I am at fault too. It takes two hands to clap.

I dare not voice out. Cos’ I know you would have much more things to say, and all that would eventually slap me right in the face, silencing me, making me speechless. And when I did, it would only piss you off even more. I hate this stupid cycle, I really hate it so much that I wanted to scream it out.

I really don’t know how much longer can I take this – keeping everything to myself. I really want to tell you how I really felt, I am afraid of doing so. I am scared that one day you might just dumped me behind and never look back at me.

Baby, I am sorry. Sorry for pissing you off, sorry for bringing you disappointment again and again.

I wish we could work a way out, accepting and really understand each other deep down. Like how my parents are.

I don’t know when you would read this. Since you had long forgotten about this private space of ours. I hope when you did, you would just smile, and be happy that we had overcome all these storms, and had seen the rainbow.

-This should be posted on the 12 Sept 2010.

- – - – -

Flying off to California, San Diego today.

I guess you are already in mid air by now?

Have a safe trip, to and back.  (:

Thank you for leaving a facebook message for me before leaving.

It’s very sweet and touching. (: Thank you love.

You will be miss, and I will look forward to your return!

21st October 2010, 1.15am! (:

Love you dear.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- – - – -

Maybe I really don’t know how to love someone.

It’s time for me to start learning how to love, unconditionally.

Anytime I would say the wrong things, done the wrong move,

and everything starts again.

It’s because of these quarrels, you voice out how unhappy you are with me.

It’s because of these quarrels, you told me about my flaws, very negative flaws.

Maybe the past failed relationship is all my fault, and not the other party.

That aside.

Because of these quarrels, I am being to be fear of whatever I say or do.

For instance, talking on the phone, and yes my phone is old and at times I really didn’t hear your reply.

Especially replies like “orh”, “k”. I really didn’t hear that.

And when you start to repeat again, you got pissed.

I really don’t know how to respond whenever I experience silent moments between us on the phone.

Is the daily dose still happiness?

Please, no more heartbreaking moments again.

I love you boy. (:

- – - – - -