We had been through another new year together again. (:
This year, 2011, you had one new resolution. To study for a Degree program this year.
A very sudden decision. Honestly, I am totally not prepared for it.
I did try to get myself prepared, but I didn’t know it came so soon, so much earlier than I thought it would be. ):
I know you are serious about this. It’s for your career, for me, and for our future. I know I shouldn’t be throwing any temper or fuss over it. Cos’ it’s something to be happy about. Even though I am trying my best to help you achieve a place in a university, deep down inside I wish you could have had a place in a local uni instead.
The thought of not having you by my side for at least 5 months straight really make my heart aches, and I had to fight back those tears. You didn’t notice this, did you? But I know you can’t bear as well, but you just had to do this.
I had been pissing you off so much more often, and more easily these few days. I blamed it on you. Yes, inside me, I was thinking why is your temper getting back to the state that it once were. The state that you get pissed off at me over small little things. Well, I know it’s very selfish of my to blame it on you. I know I am at fault too. It takes two hands to clap.
I dare not voice out. Cos’ I know you would have much more things to say, and all that would eventually slap me right in the face, silencing me, making me speechless. And when I did, it would only piss you off even more. I hate this stupid cycle, I really hate it so much that I wanted to scream it out.
I really don’t know how much longer can I take this – keeping everything to myself. I really want to tell you how I really felt, I am afraid of doing so. I am scared that one day you might just dumped me behind and never look back at me.
Baby, I am sorry. Sorry for pissing you off, sorry for bringing you disappointment again and again.
I wish we could work a way out, accepting and really understand each other deep down. Like how my parents are.
I don’t know when you would read this. Since you had long forgotten about this private space of ours. I hope when you did, you would just smile, and be happy that we had overcome all these storms, and had seen the rainbow.
